POSTPARTUM ANXIETY
The other day on Instagram, I opened up about my postpartum anxiety. I’ll leave that reel linked at the end of this post, but it’s something I’ve been dealing with. We’re always told about postpartum depression, and everyone warned me about that. They told me, if you feel like it’s more than the baby blues or new mom blues go to the doctor. I had good and bad days. Some days I would cry more than Scarlett, and others I was perfectly fine. Well, as fine as you could be with a newborn. As soon as my parents and mother in law left and it was just my husband, Scarlett, and I, my mental state changed.
Top: Meg Pie (I’m now an affiliate with Meg Pie, so use code MONICA10 at checkout for 10% off!) // Pants: Missguided // Shoes: Converse
HOW IT ALL STARTED
After our family left, I would go to visit my husband at the auto shop with Scarlett. Whenever we would be on our way home Scarlett would start to cry really bad. I would get so nervous because I started thinking what if she chokes on herself while she’s crying, or what if the crying distracts me and we get into an accident? Once this started happening more and more, I decided to stop going places with Scarlett, except to pick up our groceries. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t going to become a recluse and not leave the house whatsoever.
Then, the scariest thing happened. We were on our way home from picking up our groceries which was not even 10 minutes down the road. I would always schedule pickup during times when I knew it wasn’t busy. Pretty much, I’d avoid rush hour traffic and lunch time traffic. On our way home, I was driving in the left lane because I wanted to get over in time since I had to make a left into our neighborhood. There was an 18 wheeler that I noticed at the previous red light that seemed to be driving aggressively so I tried to avoid him, but I had to get into the left lane and he was in front of me in the right lane. All of the sudden, I’m driving like I normally would and he just starts coming into the lane. I honked and he didn’t stop and almost clipped the side of my car that Scarlett was on. Thankfully there was no one behind me so I was able to slam on my brakes just in time so he didn’t hit us. He started driving so fast, but not fast enough until I called the non emergency line.
I told them about his aggressive driving and how he almost hit us. The license plate was clear as day so I read that off to the operator. In my opinion, I’m sure nothing was done, nor was he caught/pulled over down the road. Knowing how the cops were when someone rear ended me when I was pregnant last year, I HIGHLY doubt it. Anyway, that’s when all of this started.
Top: Meg Pie // Pants: Missguided // Shoes: Converse
WHEN I KNEW IT WAS A PROBLEM
After that incident with the 18 wheeler, I became even more anxious than I already was. Anxiety has been a part of my life for a while, but postpartum anxiety has been completely different for me. It might not be like this for everyone, but it is for me. Anyway, any little thing that Scarlett would do and still does I start panicking about. That’s when I’ll hop onto good ole google and of course you find the good and bad. My brain always attracts itself to the bad and then I’ll sit there and focus on just that. The hubs actually told me many times that he’s going to revoke my internet privileges if I continue.
It started to get worse each day. The google searches became a 24/7 thing, and then I stopped leaving the house. I started ordering groceries to the front door and even then, I was terrified to put Scarlett in her crib or somewhere safe (of course I had the baby monitor in hand) while I grabbed all of the groceries. Leaving the house besides going for walks was non existent. Even now, going for walks is terrifying for me because a few weeks ago we almost got run over. Some idiot was driving on our street and must have not seen me (which is almost impossible because I was wearing neon pink pants). If it wasn’t for me acting fast and almost ending up in the woods, we would’ve been hit. We don’t have a sidewalk so I have to walk on the actual road which is usually pretty quiet and calm. I’m never in the middle of the road so it’s not like I was blocking the road or anything. I swear, people in Florida are the absolute worst drivers. I’ve never in my life seen this kind of driving and this many accidents. This is coming from someone who lived in the northeast for 30+ years of her life.
Back to my story.
My husband started helping me return things to places like Target, or Amazon. Staying home became my safe space, besides of course going on walks because Scarlett needs fresh air. We bought this beautiful Tiguan for me last year when I was pregnant. I had all of these plans of it being my mom car and making memories driving to places with Scarlett. That car barely moves. Over the last two months I started talking to more people about my anxiety that I didn’t know was postpartum anxiety. There came a point where I stopped and realized I became the recluse I didn’t want to become. This was when my in laws were here and my husband and I went to my sister in law and brother in law’s house. Then my husband asked me, “hey are you ok, because when was the last time you left the house?” I couldn’t remember the last time I had left the house, and that’s when I knew it was an issue.
Fast forward to this past Sunday when I shared about my postpartum anxiety in an Instagram post. The amount of people who dm’ed me and told me their stories, along with the comments section, was just amazing. It made me feel less alone. Those responses made me feel less “insane” for lack of a better term. There were other people who knew exactly what I was going through because they had the same or similar stories to mine. I had a support system before, but now I have a bigger one and my feelings are validated.
Top: Meg Pie // Pants: Missguided // Shoes: Converse
WE WENT TO TARGET ON MONDAY!
With all of that said, after having some amazing conversations about postpartum anxiety with so many people I felt relieved. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Because of how much better I felt, Scarlett and I went for our first Target run together and alone. I’d only picked up orders from there with her previously. It was very spontaneous because whenever I leave the house it’s something I have to plan out and prepare myself for. Since there were a few things I needed to return I figured it was the perfect place to go to just to get out of the house. So, after our walk I took a shower and even put on makeup! I don’t wear makeup anymore unless it’s for YouTube videos. After we returned stuff, I thought it might be a good idea to walk around Target with Scarlett just to see how she’d do.
We bought some onesies for her and a toy for her while the pups also got toys. She did great! I was going to try on some clothes but I thought that might be pushing my luck a bit. Of course I had to document the adventure and I used an audio on instagram reels that Scarlett loves and laughs at. Since we ended up in bumper to bumper traffic on the way home, I did get a little panicky. However, as scared as I was (I thought every car was going to hit us), we made it home in one piece.
To some people they might think a Target run is so basic. I’d rather be basic than a recluse. Will we do it again? Probably, but it took so much out of me that it won’t be for a while. I am very proud of myself though.
Top: Meg Pie // Pants: Missguided // Shoes: Converse
INSTAGRAM VS REALITY
The above picture is the perfect depiction of an instagram vs reality type of post. I thought it was a great post to add this kind of blooper to. I may show mostly good moments on social media but postpartum anxiety has consumed my life and it feels so good to finally say something.
In this particular picture I was in the middle of acting like my weird self but saying “one day I’ll be comfortable in my own skin to take great pictures again.” It’s true. One day I will be comfortable in my own skin. It might not be today, next week, or next month. But it will happen again. For now I’ll continue to be a hot mess express.
Aw, Monica, I am so glad that you are speaking openly about your postpartum anxiety. I had it so bad that I was convinced that I was going to somehow kill my baby and so was everyone else. I was also convinced that my mil was going to steal my baby! We still laugh about that one…because where the heck was she going to take him after she stole him?! I also am very familiar with agoraphobia and that itself is a major struggle. Add in new mom anxiety and it’s easy to indulge the fear. Keep on doing your thing, my friend! You will get exactly where you are supposed to be. Congratulations on your Target trip. That is a big deal when you have that kind of anxiety!
Shelbee
You did the thing you were scared to do: you are a rock star. Was it “just” a Target run? Whatever. (If we want to get picky, pretty much anything that anyone else is scared of is like nothing to James Bond, but what does that prove?) You’re on your own journey…and we are cheering you as you go, whatever speed that may be.
I love you so much 💗💗💗💗