Things people don’t tell you about postpartum & a Linkup

THINGS PEOPLE DON’T TELL YOU ABOUT POSTPARTUM 

When I was pregnant so many people told me how hard it would be once Scarlett was here. They said I would be so exhausted and that I wouldn’t like my baby until she was a little older. However, not many people gave me useful information. Which is why I wanted to write today’s post. Will it be hard? Yes. Will you be mentally and physically exhausted? Yes. But these are things we already know. In this post I’m going to list some things I wish I knew. There are obviously way more things than this, but this is just from my personal experience. So if you’re researching and looking for experiences of others don’t stop at just my blog. 

Related:  9 months in vs. 9 months out.

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RECOVERY

Let me just preface this with, everyone’s recovery is completely different. Every baby is also different. I knew that I wouldn’t just bounce right back into my normal pre labor self. It was obvious to me that I would have to recover from pushing out a baby. It’s a tiny human coming out of my body, of course there is going to be a recovery process. I did hear about tearing and things like that because, again, tiny human coming out of your body. I ended up getting a second degree tear.

One of the reasons we went to the hospital was just in case I needed an emergency c section. With my condition, we weren’t sure what would happen. Well, thankfully there were no emergencies but, I did tear. I don’t really know where it was because I didn’t feel it once they were stitching me up. Everything happened so fast too that it didn’t hit me that they were stitching me up until we were moved out of labor and delivery. Because I knew I had stitches I was terrified of moving or even going to the bathroom. Everything hurt and it stung so bad. Not to mention going poop scared me because I didn’t want to bust open the stitches. I mean I was in the hospital so they would just stitch me back up but I didn’t want to go through that. So, not only was I in pain from labor and the tear, but I was bleeding so much. I knew there would be bleeding. That’s why I had adult diapers and very heavy duty pads in my hospital bag. Let me just tell you, but those. Do not depend on the hospital’s mesh underwear. It didn’t fit me at all and as soon as they moved me I changed into my diapers.

I wrote an entire post about what was in my hospital bag that I’ll leave linked below. Anyway, I couldn’t walk and I couldn’t sit. Everything hurt. With all of this, I had to somehow take care of a baby. This was just the beginning too. What I didn’t know is just how much recovery and healing would be necessary. I definitely needed way more than 6 weeks. And the next two topics will go into why. However, I did walk out of the hospital because no one came to check on us when we left and no one got me a wheelchair so I said eff this we’re leaving. Don’t even get me started on the hospital and how terrible they were. Maybe I’ll write a post about them. 

Related: What you need in your hospital bag. 

Top: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Pants: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Shoes: Boohoo (sold out, similar here)

DIASTASIS RECTI

If this is your first post of mine, I had undiagnosed diastasis recti. To put it simply this is ab separation. This can happen outside of pregnancy too. I didn’t know I had DR until a friend told me she had it. Your OBGYN doesn’t check for DR. Well, maybe I shouldn’t generalize, but anyone I’ve talked to has not had their OBGYN check for DR. My doctor didn’t even tell me about it. My friend told me she had it and I did the self check. Turns out, I had/have DR. The issue with DR is it can cause a lot of lower back pain and other issues. My friend suggested I try the Every Mother program to heal my DR. So far, I’ve been doing it for 2 months and I have decreased the separation. I’m hoping I can fix it myself and I won’t have to get surgery. 

Related: Postpartum progress.

PELVIC FLOOR ISSUES

I had no idea what an overactive pelvic floor was. When I took the quiz for Every Mother and filled out the issues I was having after giving birth it said I have an overactive pelvic floor. This is when the muscles are constantly contracted and they don’t relax. I also have issues with incontinence which is a fancy way of saying I sometimes pee when I sneeze or cough. This is something I knew could happen, but I didn’t know it was something you could fix or at least minimize. 

Related: 7 things I learned after becoming a mom.

Top: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Pants: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Shoes: Boohoo (sold out, similar here)

IF YOU HAVE HELP, DON’T TAKE IT FOR GRANTED

Let me just say, if you have help, don’t take it for granted. Also, if there are people willing to help, take it. Don’t try to be nice and tell people no because you don’t want to burden them. We didn’t have help, at least not right away. Scarlett decided to make an early appearance. Which means my parents had their vacation set for closer to her due date, whereas my mother in law was set to fly in a week before her due date. Scarlett was 2.5 weeks early. As soon as I texted my parents and in laws, my mother in law tried to change her flight to come asap but if you’ve ever had a baby and it was your first, that first week can be terrifying. Especially if you were kind of wingin’ it like my husband and I.

We never wanted to have children but we said if it happens then it happens. I say that to kind of paint the picture of, we REALLY were unprepared and didn’t even know where to start. We didn’t read any baby books or anything like that. Without help it’s really hard. Not only were we not sleeping, but because she came earlier than expected a lot of things weren’t ready for her arrival. I have epilepsy so we were concerned about me having a seizure with the sleep deprivation and stress which could have been slightly alleviated with outside help. But when my mother in law finally made it I took full advantage and when my parents arrived not too long after if my mom offered to clean, YES PLEASE! 

Related: It’s ok to still wear maternity clothes.

Top: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Pants: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Shoes: Boohoo (sold out, similar here)

BREASTFEEDING 

While I was pregnant, my plan was to breastfeed but I also was completely ok with formula if I couldn’t produce milk. As long as my baby was fed and nourished I didn’t care if it was from me or formula. What no one told me about breastfeeding is just how hard it would be and what happens to your body. First of all, babies don’t know how to just latch on. They have to be taught. And if you’ve never breastfed before, you probably don’t have any idea what you’re doing. It doesn’t help if you don’t have any guidance either. The lactation consultant at the hospital was of no help either. She was supposed to come meet with me for an hour but because she was busy and they were short staffed she saw me for maybe 10 minutes and told me she’d be back but never came back. Even when we asked for her the following day she said she’d be there shortly and she never came.

Thankfully, Scarlett’s pediatrician gave us a recommendation to speak with a lactation consultant. This was because we were concerned Scarlett wasn’t getting enough milk and I was so engorged but couldn’t get any milk out. Plus Scarlett did not know how to latch properly so I had cracked and bleeding nipples. It was so bad I had to get nipple guards for a few weeks to let them heal. The day we went to the pediatrician we did buy formula just in case the pediatrician said we would have to formula feed. Which, by the way, can we stop judging parents on their decision to formula feed? I’ve seen so many people be so judgemental about this. It’s gross behavior. Whatever feeds a baby and keeps them healthy should be what matters. 

Related: Finding out I was pregnant.

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SWEATING AND SMELLING DIFFERENT 

This kind of ties in with the last topic in a way, and I’ll explain that correlation in a minute. When I was pregnant I noticed I was sweating more. I’m usually not a big sweater so I figured it was a pregnancy/hormone thing. Surely that would go away once I gave birth.  Spoiler, it didn’t. It actually got worse. So bad that when we go for our daily walks I actually get a heat rash from all of the sweat. Just recently we took a two day break from our walks and a three day break from deodorant because I was worried that maybe my deodorant or the walks was irritating my skin so I dropped both. It was just so itchy that I had to do something. That seemed to help significantly.

Anyway, because of this, there was a lot of googling going on. I ended up finding out that the sweating and smelling (in the armpit region) different is actually tied to breastfeeding. This is a way for baby to smell you and know where to go for their food aka the boob. I know it’s gross but I find it so fascinating. So if you notice you sweat or smell differently, this might be why. Of course consult with your doctor though because it can be something else too. 

Related: Pregnancy and my epilepsy.

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BEING OVERSTIMULATED 

I’m someone who gets overwhelmed and needs help once I get to that point. Which is why my husband is a literal saint with how much he helps me when I get into that mindset. However, I didn’t realize just how overwhelmed and overstimulated I would get. Someone always needs me. I’m constantly watching Scarlett, with a million other things happening around me. Going anywhere outside of the house is a big to do which is one of many reasons we don’t leave the house. By the end of a 1-2 hour trip out of the houses I’m mentally checked out for the day. 

Related: One month postpartum update.

Top: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Pants: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Shoes: Boohoo (sold out, similar here)

POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY 

Most of us have heard about postpartum depression and anxiety. Well maybe not PPA, because I didn’t know about that until it happened to me. So while PPD is something I was warned about, I didn’t know the extent of it. I didn’t know just how bad it could get. How could being with your baby, the little being you waited so long for, make you mentally fucked? I’m not saying I didn’t believe in PPD before because I definitely did. I’ve watched it happen to friends, but you don’t truly understand it until it happens to you. I have written about my experience a few times already so I won’t go into full detail.

However, just know there is help. If you feel like something isn’t right and it’s more than the baby blues, talk to your doctor. Even if you think it’s just the baby blues, still talk to your doctor. Don’t be embarrassed by it. It’s very common so you’re not alone. I’m not a doctor so I can’t help you in that sense but if you just want to talk to someone for support my inbox is always open. I might not respond right away because of #momlife but I’ll do my best. 

Related: Opening up about my postpartum anxiety.

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JUDGEMENT 

Be prepared for judgement from others. You could be doing everything right and by the book (whatever book that might be) and someone is going to have something to say. I had people judging me because I said I wanted to deliver at a hospital and that I most likely would get an epidural once I found out it was safe for me to do so. While I knew C sections were another way to give birth, I actually witnessed people trying to say you didn’t actually birth a child if you didn’t push it out of your hoo ha. WTF?!

There is this one woman I know who very passive aggressively judges people for their choice to go to the hospital as opposed to an at home birth. Her reasoning is because our bodies were designed to birth babies and that’s how our ancestors did it. At home with no epidural or something of the like. Yea, but how many mothers and babies died in childbirth back then as opposed to now? Don’t get me wrong I’m sure an at home birth or even a water birth is a beautiful and intimate experience, but I was not built for that haha.

You’ll get judged on if you breastfeed or formula feed. And I could go on and on but then this post would be way longer than it already is. My mother in law actually gave me a pep talk one day when I was feeling so defeated and she said that I’m Scarlett’s mother, and I know what’s best for her. Yes take advice, but I don’t have to implement it if I know it won’t work for her since every baby is different. That’s why I don’t post specifics because I know I would get eaten alive by some people. 

Related: Can we stop parent shaming and judging?

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YOU MIGHT LOSE FRIENDS AND THAT’S OK

Once I had Scarlett, there were a few people that kind of drifted away. And that’s ok. I know that they’re busy and so am I. We’re at different parts of our lives. I have a tiny human that depends on me for survival now. She comes before anyone else. And to be honest, I don’t care if that hurts someone else’s feelings. I know it’ll get easier to catch up with friends once Scarlett is older. If my friends can’t understand that I’ll be back, then it just means we weren’t meant to have a forever friendship. And that’s ok! You need to be ok with going your separate ways. Some friendships aren’t meant to last forever. 

Related: Pregnancy announcement.

MOM GUILT

Mom guilt is a real thing. Just today I got really upset because Scarlett absolutely refused to take a nap. I got so upset that I just started crying and I felt so guilty. I felt guilty for getting emotional over something that my child doesn’t understand fully. Scarlett was never a sleeper and she still isn’t but I got overstimulated and just broke down. I not only felt guilty for getting upset with my daughter, but I felt guilty knowing how lucky I am because some people struggle with infertility. Mom guilt is going to happen eventually and it’s normal. 

Related: My diaper bag.

Top: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Pants: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Shoes: Boohoo (sold out, similar here)

THINGS I LOVE/LOVED DURING POSTPARTUM 

I can’t talk about negative things without talking about the positive. While postpartum life is hard and exhausting, it’s also beautiful. 

Being a mom 

The number one thing I love is being a mom. I waited 9 months to see this beautiful baby and that moment when they handed her to me for the first time I cried so hard. She was and still is the most beautiful thing in the entire world. Being a mom is hard but it’s very rewarding. Your days can be filled with every single emotion possible within a one hour time span but it’s worth it. Sure it’s frustrating when your baby’s fighting nap time and mama just needed a quick break to be able to pee alone but it’s worth it. It’s worth it to see that ear to ear smile when your baby sees you. Or the little mischievous smile when they’re up to no good and they know it. I see that smile all the time. 

My body is badass

Even with everything I wrote about in this post, I love my body. To know what my body went through makes me feel badass. Yes, I’m still healing my body almost 10 months later but this won’t be the case for everyone. Some people go in for their 6 week checkup and go right back to normal life afterwards. There are those who won’t have DR or PPD. Then there are also those who will have one if not both of those things and maybe more. Regardless, my body grew a tiny human and then brought it into this world. After all of the things that happened to me with the tear and everything, I somehow managed to be a mom even with all of the pain I was in. I’m not special by any means because people have babies every day, but it doesn’t mean my body isn’t badass. 

I’m closer with my sister in law

My sister in law has more than one child and she recently gave birth to Scarlett’s future bestie. We figured out that the two of them will be in the same grade in school so we’re excited for them to always know at least one person. Because of this and having Scarlett, I feel like my sister in law and I can relate to one another on a different level now. We also trust each other and give advice but we also know that if we vent or just talk to one another we won’t judge. Which is nice because I hear mom groups on Facebook are some of the most toxic environments to be in. I also can’t stand fakeness and passive aggressiveness. Either way it with your chest or leave me alone. It’s fine to have your own opinion but just because some formula feeds instead of breastfeeds, that’s not cause for judgement. Mind ya business. 

Watching my husband turn into a dad

My husband is an amazing person and while he seems kind of rough around the edges, he has the biggest heart for those who deserve it. He will go to great lengths to help people. He’s the most selfless person I’ve ever met. I’m very lucky that he’s not only my husband but the father of our sweet little baby. Watching him become a dad in the blink of an eye when Scarlett was born was just beautiful. He knew Scarlett was a girl from the beginning. I was 99.9% sure that we were having a boy. Obviously I was very wrong, but when we were thinking of names my husband said that the only name he thought of was Scarlett. He said he just knew she was a girl.

We did come up with a back up name because before we did find out what she was I thought she was a boy. The names we chose were Scarlett or Giuseppe. Anyway, he’s been the greatest dad Scarlett could ever have. I hope she recognizes that in the future. He would do anything for that little baby. Watching him evolve into this new man has been an amazing feeling. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a present father in their lives so this sadly won’t be the same for everyone. Which is why I’ll cherish these moments so much. 

Watching Scarlett grow

Scarlett is evolving into what feels like a toddler. She has so much sass already which I’ll encourage because baby it’s rough out there. Watching her grow and develop has been so rewarding. One second she’s a little blob doing tummy time and can barely hold her head up to standing and taking steps. My phone sends me nice little reminders of Scarlett’s then and now pictures. When I see them it feels like I gave birth just yesterday. However, we’re closer to her first birthday than the day she was born. Watching her examine every little thing and learn how certain things work is just awesome. I’m a proud mama, can you tell?

Related: Scarlett is here!

Top: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Pants: H&M (sold out, similar here) // Shoes: Boohoo (sold out, similar here)

AND MANY MORE

There are many more things, but I think I’ll leave it at this for now and just write a part 2 in the future.  If you have any other things to add, please do so in the comments!  I’m only almost 10 months into this, so any veteran moms out there or moms who have gone through postpartum more than once probably have some more pointers or things to look for.  Anyway, let’s move on to the linkup!