Dress: Hunter for Target // Rainboots: Hunter for Target // Bag: Hunter for Target
When most people first meet me they don’t think I have any insecurities because I carry myself with a little bit of confidence. I always have a smile on my face (as seen in the above pictures). Although, I am super shy when you first meet me. Probably because I don’t trust many people until I get to know them. Anyway, most people (unless you know me personally) would never guess I have many insecurities about my weight and body image. If you’ve been following me for a while, you’ve seen me at my smallest (besides high school) and my biggest. My weight fluctuates just as much as you change your underwear lol. Ok, maybe that’s a bit of an overstatement, but you catch my drift. A lot of people have told me that they wish they could be my size and that I’m stupid for thinking I’m fat or that there’s anything wrong with my body. You see, what I see in the mirror, no matter what size I am is someone who I want to improve. I’m never fully satisfied with what I look like. There is always something I will point out that isn’t ok.
This all started back in high school. I had started reading magazines and watching MTV (when MTV was still predominantly music) and saw how perfect all of these celebrities were. They were all so beautiful and so skinny. I was never a popular kid, and was more of an outcast than anything else. I was bullied by some people. Needless to say, I started trying to improve my body. No matter what I did, it was never enough. I was always too fat. I was eating one giant meal a day no later than 2pm, and not eating anything afterwards, and working out for 4 hours. I would lock myself in my room, work out, shower, and then go to bed. If I ate any later than 2pm, I would be so nervous and freaking out that I would gain weight. I weighed myself and recorded that weight every single day. Every day when I worked out, I had a journal and I would always make sure that I was doing at least 1 more crunch, 1 more pushup, etc. At the time I didn’t think I had an eating disorder, until I saw a documentary about two twins who would binge eat and then instead of throwing up, they would work out for hours on end.
My friends at school started noticing that I wasn’t eating much at lunch and that I would make up some lie as to why I wasn’t hungry that day. Those friends ended up catching on, and they went to the guidance counselor and told him that they were concerned that I had an eating disorder. Well, needless to say I was pissed off beyond belief, but I didn’t mind because instead of going to gym class (I was Daria in gym class, if you don’t get this reference then just look it up lol). What I didn’t like is the counselor trying to twist my words, so I ended up lying and telling him I was eating normally again and that everything was fine I just went through a breakup but I’m ok now. I wasn’t ok.
This went on for quite some time, over a year at least. Then my uncle came to America (he finally got his visa after 15 years!). He yelled at me and told me that men like a little meat on their women and that he would show me workouts to do if I promised that I would eat normally. For the sake of wanting to know those workouts (my uncle did Judo professionally when he was younger) I said I would eat normally, and I did, but that didn’t last long. There would also be time periods where I just wouldn’t eat for 2 weeks at a time. There would also be time periods where I was ok and actually ate without feeling super guilty. Although that little voice was always in the back of my mind saying “you’re so fat, why are you eating that?!”
When I got to college my eating issues kind of disappeared for a little bit because I was diagnosed with epilepsy that I was spending too much time focusing on that and doing research that I didn’t even remember to weigh myself. Then that calmed down and it was back to my body image. It’s been a constant struggle.
Two years ago I was the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I didn’t start weighing myself until I had already altered my eating habits and exercising, so I’m pretty sure I was at least 200lbs. I don’t even know how I allowed myself to get to that point. Me, the girl who was always so self conscious, somehow got to 200lbs. That’s when I started the 21 day fix and got down to 144lbs. I was feeling amazing, but I still wasn’t 100% happy. I was proud, don’t get me wrong, but then I started thinking again my image, my hair wasn’t right, my face wasn’t right, etc. I was at that weight for a little bit and then I let myself go. Since then I’ve done a few dieting spurts, and now I’m to the point where I’m so exhausted from all of this. When I look in the mirror I’m not happy, and to be completely honest, I don’t think I will ever be 100% happy. This is one of the 2354835023 reasons why I don’t want children anytime soon (if at all), because I’m afraid of gaining weight. I know it sounds crazy, but this is me opening up about an on going issue for most of my life now. I’m almost 31 years old and I still feel like that preteen who was going through puberty who hated her body.
I have a constant struggle with my weight. I’ve gotten to a comfortable stage where I’ve decided that I’m not going to go as crazy with diets as I was before. I’ll eat healthy most of the time, but if I want to treat myself I’m going to. I’m slowly starting to accept myself, and I’m hoping that one day I’ll be able to accept myself 100%. I want people out there reading this who may be going through the same know that they aren’t alone.
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xoxo Monica
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My battle went on until I reached my 40’s, when I decided being confident is much more attractive than being thin. . I haven’t really looked back since then. I wished I reach that conclusion a decade earlier! xx
Thanks for sharing your journey and struggle. I know this post will help someone. Praying for you and thanks for the link up.
https://www.kathrineeldridge.com
Monica, thank you so much for sharing your struggle and your vulnerability. I think this body conscious weight issue is common with so many of us. I have struggled the same throughout my life having been a competitive swimmer from the age of 4 all through college. When you spend that much time in a swimsuit, you become very conscious of what your body looks like. Then you stop exercising to that extreme, you begin to age, and your body changes. For me, I had to start on a lot of psych meds in my mid-20’s which took me from 120 pounds (at 5’8″ that was much too thin) to 230 pounds in just 6 months. That’s almost double my weight. By the age of 30, I was considering gastric bypass surgery because the doctors told me I could never come off the psych meds so I would never lose the weight naturally. Fortunately, I made the brave decision to get off the meds and dropped to 170 pounds in just 6 months. I was comfortable there for a long while (my sweet spot being around 150-160 so the 10 pounds didn’t bother me too much). Then I had kids and have been sustaining my weight right around 200. It wasn’t until I was in my 40’s that I finally began to accept my body for what it is. Sure I would like to lose 20 pounds, but I also don’t want to put the effort into that. So I made the decision to just be happy with my body as it is. You will get there. It is just a very long process! Just know that you are beautiful on the inside and out no matter what the scale says!
Shelbee
http://www.shelbeeontheedge.com
Gosh, Monika…thanks so much for sharing this. I do think many of us struggle with this issue. Although I think I’ve finally found peace with it although it hasn’t been an easy journey. I do think that age has granted me the wisdom about it, which is why I’d never want to be young again….
Sending hugs and love…
XOXO
Jodie
http://www.jtouchofstyle.com
Monica, I totally get it. I’ve had body image issues my entire life as well and most people would never ever guess that. It’s hard. Thanks for opening up and sharing. Young girls (and older women) have so much to contend with. Those pink shooties are adorable!!! XO
im old enough to be your mother and reading this brought back a lot of memories for me because I too have had the exact same issues. My weight has been up and down all my life. Your right, it is exhausting! It takes so much effort to STAY skinny and once we think we have it all figured out something changes…our bodies adjust to reduced calories/exercise, we get sick, lifestyle changes, menapause, etc. it’s difficult and I completely relate to your story. TFS!
I am sorry to hear that you struggle with this. I had a difficult time in middle and high school and was bullied. It is hard, but do try and think of the positives. I am wishing you the best.
jess xx
http://www.elegantlydressedandstylish.com
Great post. I have the same love hate relationship with body image. It is something that I am very aware of and try desperately to change, but I really don’t know exactly how. I find that when I am most confident I feel my best, but self doubt can really get the best of me at times. Love all of these Hunter pieces, I really need to go and check them out.
xx, Elise
http://www.sparkleandslippers.blogspot.com
I had an eating disorder in my late teens and into my 20s. I went to a counselor not about that but about some things that kept coming up from my past. She really really helped me and sometimes when I feel my life is all over the place I can feel those feelings start to come up. I know how to cope however and I would encourage you to find someone that can help. Each person is unique and beautiful and I hope that you are able to see how amazing you look and how special you are.
http://www.mylittlenest.org
Nope. You are definitely not alone and thanks for sharing your journey. The struggle is real! I also have insecurities about my body and it is also a work in progress. Growing up my mom and grandparents always commented on whether I was fat or skinny. This is also the time I learned when words healed or hurt. While I know they meant well, the way it was said to me was different and I started to just eat when I was told I was skinny and stopped eating when told I was fat. Anyway, fast forward to college, I was in a toxic relationship for 7 years that the light in that tunnel was he wanted to look good in order to break up with me so he signed us up for gym memberships. I haven’t looked back at being a gym rat and started educating myself on ways to be kinder to myself.
Maureen | http://www.littlemisscasual.com
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve struggled with weight my entire life (I’m 40) and have only recently found somewhat of a happy place. Hang in there. It gets better.
Cheryl Shops | http://www.cherylshops.net
Thanks for sharing your journey. Honestly that is one of the hardest parts of being pregnant is seeing the numbers on the scale go up, and telling yourself that it’s for the baby, that the numbers have to go up. All of our lives we’ve been told, be this weight, do this, eat that, and when you’re pregnant the numbers are suppose to go up, then there are all those celebrities out there that just magically have no baby weight after the baby is born, BS. It’s not easy. Thanks for being honest. You look fantastic!